One tool that has been helpful to me is in regard to the well known law of nature that says, "Anything my sibling has is something that I must have." Sometimes I feel a little crazy when it seems like every time I turn around they're fighting over something else. For a few days now, I have been successfully implementing a solution for when my kids are fighting about an object they both want. The concept of just staying out of it and letting them work it out themselves would invariably end up in scratches and other injury, so we decided that wasn't going to work. Though, trying to be referee about everything wasn't going to work either. Ideally, I wanted to help them find good ways of working their problems out for themselves. (Any further advice is much appreciated.) First, I removed the item in question. Then, when I thought about the character issues, I came up with a question for them. “Which one of you is going to be generous and patient and let the other have it first?” The rule was that no one gets it until that is figured out. The one who offers to be the generous and patient one gets all the affirming kudos and one super impressed mom. When this plan has worked, it was like a dream come true! Then when they started fighting about something else, they got the same question, and it was even a great opportunity to teach about justice and fairness. I am learning to see how EVERYTHING can be an opportunity. When there is a problem, I can look at what the character issue is, make my parenting choices with character in mind, and verbalize the character quality so they get it. I certainly am still in need of practice to take advantage of the opportunities, but I'm finding it a great degree easier to not get angry when I am able to see a conflict as an opportunity to teach a quality of Christ's character, rather than seeing it as a frustration. (Though, I’m not claiming this to be easy! Consistency and perseverance is definitely a big challenge for me. Prayer needed!) I’m also seeing that other tools like stickers, treats, and various rewards can have more purpose than a mere attempt to get them to do what they should be doing. They never worked for me very long anyway. Instead of feeling like I’m bribing them to do good behavior, the little things are teaching tools for rewards of good character! Now finally, on my third night of giving stickers, and sometimes a treat for obedience and trustworthiness, my kids were both obedient while settling in for bedtime, and trustworthy after I left them in their room!!!! And they got to hear from their mom how happy I was for them that they were learning how to be obedient and trustworthy! My 5 yr. old got right to it. He is a pro. Now even my 3 yr. old has been able to find ways to work at these character qualities at bedtime! (Not that we’ve got this down perfectly.) She is such an emotional girl. She does not hide her feelings. Her big bear hugs are the best. I can tell they are excited to be learning godly character too!
I am so grateful for inspiring character moments. Earlier my 3 yr. old was watching me make some sandwiches. She was really hungry, though as she indicated her desire to grab, she said, "but I'm not going to touch it." I said, "What great self-control you have. Did you know that I have to practice self-control and work at having self-control too?" She said, "...when you were a kid." And I said, "Yes, I had to work at having self-control when I was a kid, but I even still have to work at self-control. I'm so glad that you're already learning it!" Then she tops off the moment with a proud smile and a kiss to my cheek. How rewarding it is to see joy in a kid after being proudly affirmed for their character. (The kid doesn’t even have to be your own to do this.) It reminds me of teaching a labrador retriever how to play fetch in a river...excitement for what they are designed to do.
My pastor challenged us to read the whole book of 1 Peter at home, as he was confident this would make our time together as a church considerably more productive. Sometimes the Bible would feel like it was written in code. I thought you had to be a super scholar to understand why God and the authors put things down in the New Testament they way they did. Often I would read some instruction list in a book of the Bible, and I would truly wonder what sense they were making to put things in there the way they did. ALL THOSE LISTS! How could I ever get a handle on them! I was sure that the main point of them all was to show me that I could never cut it and that I needed God. TRUE, BUT…! Now I don’t see a moderately random jumble of do’s and don’ts like I did before! (Example 1 Peter 2:13-18) Now I see that Peter was giving the believers encouragement and character training! (i.e. honor, love, respect, submission to authority) Just like I’ve been picking out character issues that need attention in my kids, Peter was picking out character issues that the people he was specifically writing to needed training in! While applicable to me, I knew these lists were designed specifically for those receiving the letter, but I just thought of them as advice to "do this" and "don't do that." I never thought about it in the context of character. I am personally finding that my Bible feels lighter, MUCH lighter, now that I’m not feeling like I have to remember all the things I have to DO and NOT DO. I am reminded that the Bible is filled with encouragement and training in who I’m supposed to BE!
Ephesians 5:15-17 “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.”
What is your current opportunity struggle? My primary one lately has been in learning patience and creativity when my kids are choosing not to obey, or when they are asserting that they have a mind of their own. I would love to hear of any personal character building opportunities you see in your own struggles, frustrations, and difficulties!
Written Thursday June 10, 2010
Edited Tuesday, Aug. 24, 2010
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
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